A strange new friend during The Pandemic.

Well I guess just like everyone else during these times of covid, it’s very difficult to make new friends. The world has become a much smaller place. That’s why I think it should be celebrated when you do. Me and Herbert have so many things in common.

  • we more or less live in the same place, except he lives a little higher off the ground. He can easily see me at my workstation below him and I just have to look up to see him.
  • we both like our food albeit different types in fairness.
  • outside could be potentially hazardous for us both.

But, there are things that set us apart –

I have only two legs but he has eight.

I seem to be the more energetic one, which quite frankly doesn’t say much for him. He seems to sit for hours without moving. Quite impressive in my eyes.

What I really like about Herbert is that he’s always there to listen and never interrupts me. What more could I ask for?

Yes, I think we’ll be bff, well till one of my PAs hoovers him up.

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Two weeks later

I’m not quite sure me and Herbert the spider are still the best of buddies. Just a sense I’m getting. It was all going so well – working from home, chatting to Herbert. Me telling him all my problems, him listening to me hopefully. That’s if he can hear at all.

But lately, he’s being getting on my nerves. Like all he does is just sit there, never moving – just hoping some fly will come along out of nowhere. I left all the windows and doors open for ages but to no avail. It would want to be a fairly thick or suicidal fly to be honest. I did see him eating something once, but it didn’t look the best and that’s saying something. I’ve been telling him his web really isn’t in the best of spots and could he not put some effort in and move to a better location with more potential. Using all the key buzzwords that we use nowadays but nada, nothing. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like bees.

I tell Herbert that David Attenborough would not be impressed. That if we made a documentary about him and his exploits nobody would care if spiders were going extinct. Maybe I’m too harsh. I’m thinking he might be gone into hibernation or maybe he’s dead. Maybe he thinks the same about me. Why is this silly human stuck in this little room doing fuck all? Why does he just sit there? He wouldn’t understand about the internet and stuff and how I’m actually very busy and living this great life.

In any event, his little area is now in a special area of conservative of sorts. I told him he will be fine and live to a ripe old age, unless my mother calls. Then only God can save him. Even in this modern age of gay marriage, changing sex etc, I don’t think there is a place in her heart for the friendship between a man and a spider. All she will see is a dirty web. I told him not to worry, his progeny will always return.

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One month later

He had always been there, rarely moving more than 30 centimeters and that was just for food. Quite the lazy spider really, did feck all and that’s saying something coming from me. He must have been on the spider equivalent of being on the dole. In that one spot, right over my head. Till he wasn’t. I looked everywhere like up, down, left and right. But nope, he is gone. Just like that, no goodbyes or thanks for the memories.

It can only be work of the the evil (creative license) Mr. R (no breaches of GDPR on my website). My mother hasn’t been near the place. Perhaps, it was jealousy or just basic hygiene, but poor Herbert and his dirty web are gone. Oh how I cried, well there was one tear anyway although that could have been the bit of hair that got stuck in my eye.

We hadn’t really been getting along recently. As I’ve been saying he never put much effort into our friendship. It was like I was just more furniture to him. Hopefully the passing was fast, like with a hoover or something and not what my little brother used to do to spiders..

Revenge will be swift but what to do? Put salt in his tea, “accidentally” drive over his toes. I need plausible deniability. Well, at least I now have plenty of time on my own to contemplate. Hours and hours of just me in this little room, looking left, looking right.

Wait! What’s that I see? It’s too big and furry to be a spider.. I wonder what’s its name?

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