My dear readers, today I have to inform you about something very serious in these awful Covid-19 times. There is a much greater pandemic that you need to fear – it is a pandemic of crime. But not of drugs and illicit sex.
I think we can still all remember the good old days. Remember, when all you had to worry about was getting high or maybe being robbed or knifed on your way to get some groceries.
But now the world is beset by a plague of social distancing crime. All you have to do is look out your window to see the horror of people walking too close together or too far from their homes. The worst is the little kiddies or what I like to call “germ grenades”. Honestly, what way are they being raised to not know to come within two metres of anyone.
Things have gotten so bad I had to report my own parents yesterday. They told me where they were going for their “walk” and when I did the calculation after they left, it was 2.05km away. You can only imagine my shock. Talk about setting their impressionable 40 year-old son a bad example. Well being the good citizen that I am, I immediately rang the local Garda Station.
“You want to report your parents, really?”
“Yes Sir,” I replied with conviction, “and you should fine them. They knew what they were doing.”
Things haven’t really been the same in the house since. The parents keep saying that they don’t want me there anymore. Eh, haven’t they learned anything? That would just be another breach. I told them not to worry, I won’t leave them alone during the crisis.