It is with great excitement that I await the Dublin v Kerry All Ireland gaelic football final tomorrow. People say I’m from Westmeath, who rarely win anything but I like to point out that I was born in Dublin, especially since about four years ago.
It fits much better with my brand to associate with winners and they will win. So now that I have rediscovered my ancient Dublin roots, I am ready to cheer against the borderline evil culchies from Kerry. Some would even call them animals, but that’s a tad too far for me.
To really get into the spirit of the occasion I’ve littered needles around the house and made sure that there is a plentiful supply of coke in the bathroom (I’ve heard that coke is the height of fashion up there these days, but I never liked the taste that much). You know, to make it feel real Dubliny. If anyone wants to go the toilet during the match, they have to hold on for a half hour first just like in Croker. Also, everyone must come in to the television room five minutes after it has started, like all authentic Dublin fans
I’m also going to say “How ya” to absolutely everyone and if anyone irritates me I’ll tell them to go back to culchieland. It will be like I’m in da heart of da big smoke.
But when they win, that’s when the fun really starts. As everybody knows Dublin people are great winners and that’s a fact that must be pointed out to absolutely everyone. Afterall not everyone can be a winner. So, I will be sending out lots of emails Monday saying “Up da Dubs” Monday to all the culchies.
I’m thinking of painting my wheelchair blue but that could get a bit messy. No, maybe I’ll just buy a flag or something.