The Godfather (comedy)

So, later today and all going well, I’m going to become a Godfather for the very first time. Like everything I do, this is something that I will take very seriously. Like, I’m even going to wear a tie and everything. To get me in to the right frame of mind I watched all three of “The Godfather” films. It took many hours but it was the right thing to do. I’m sure the parents are going to be very impressed with me.

Now, I finally understand why you become a Godfather in the Church. It’s part of the circle of life and death, so you don’t feel bad when your at the funerals of people you ordered to be killed Life really is simple sometimes.

Oh there is so much for me to do. Build a criminal empire, make lots of enemies (not a problem). Maybe, I can sell smokes to the kids down the road.

If the kid ever asks why are you my godfather? I’ll respond –

“Just When I Think I’m Out, They Pull Me Back In”

Maybe someday, if he really wants my advice about cooking I can tell him –

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Oh yes, I am now a fountain of knowledge.

If other kids starts bullying him –

“Take The Gun, Leave The Cannoli”

When he makes new friends at kindergarten –

“A friend should always underestimate your virtues and an enemy overestimate your faults.”

If he asks me a difficult question like where do babies come from or where’s the nearest toilet? –

There are negotiations being made that are going to answer all of your questions and solve all of your problems. That’s all I can tell you right now.

If he’s Mammy puts him in the naughty corner –

It’s a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

When he’s not allowed watch more tv –

“Don’t let anybody kid you. It’s all personal, every bit of business. Every piece of shit every man has to eat every day of his life is personal. They call it business. OK. But it’s personal as hell. You know where I learned that from? The Don. My old man. The Godfather. If a bolt of lightning hit a friend of his the old man would take it personal. He took my going into the Marines personal. That’s what makes him great. The Great Don. He takes everything personal Like God. He knows every feather that falls from the tail of a sparrow or however the hell it goes? Right?

If he is wondering what job he’d like when he’s older –

“Finance is a gun. Politics is knowing when to pull the trigger.” Or maybe –

“The lawyer with the briefcase can steal more money than the man with the gun.”

When he wonders what he can do for me –

“Some Day, And That Day May Never Come, I Will Call Upon You To Do A Service For Me.”

If he ever tries to beat my fortnite high score –

What you think this is the army where you shoot them a mile away, you got to get them close like this and Bada-Bing! You blow your brains over your nice Ivy League suit.

Oh yes, I’m going to be a great Godfather.