Talking to a Scammer (comedy)

We all have little quirks to our character. Things that don’t really make sense. One of mine is that I love winding up scammers. And today is no exception.

Yesterday I received a friend request from what looked like quite an elderly lady called Jacinta Halpin. I wondered whether I should accept it. If I’m going to be a famous author, I need as many “friends” as I can. So I accepted and forgot about it.

Then today things got interesting when I got the following message –

JC

Hello Mark

How are you doing?

Ah, that’s nice of the sweet old lady. Might as well be nice and reply.

Me

I’m doing good and u?

JC

Good to hear from you. I’m doing amazingly well too. I have been trying to reach you here because I saw your name on the (DHHS) list. Have you heard from them yet?

Game on. I didn’t expect this convo to become interesting.

Me

Who are the DHHS?

Play dumb. I want the fun to last.

JC

The Department of health and human services , they have a campaign program to help pensioners, workers, youth, old and disabled with money in the community and your name was on the winner list . Did you get anything from them?

Ah ha, I have been targeted. All is fair in love, war and scamming.

Me

Nope.

How much will I get?

JC

Oh, really? I received 150,000 cash from the program when I applied and you don’t have to pay it back , do you know how to apply for the program?

Me

No, sounds super.

How do I apply?

JC

A link appears on a picture of a suited man with an American flag in the background. It appears to be another Facebook page.

Click on the link it we lead you to the agent page message them that you are ready to apply for your own winning money okay

No way I’m clicking but you don’t know that.

Do I have to give my bank details?

I have them here if needed

So happy I’m getting money from US Dept even though i’m in Ireland

i’m so lucky

thank you so much

JC

You didn’t have to give that

Have you message the agent?

The fun

yes

& I was about to lose the house

the kids have been starving all day

JC

Trust me I don’t want you to be skeptical about this, everything about this program  is real and legit. You know I can’t pull your leg into a scam or to hurt you no I can’t do such, Just put your mind at rest

Any respond from the agent?

The scammer is getting suspicious. Why is everyone so paranoid?

no not yet

i know you wouldn’t scam me

Why won’t he email me?

JC

Text me your email

I text him my dodgy email I use for nefarious purposes. He replies with a thumbs-up emoji.

Me

Still no email?

JC

Just click on the link and message the agent now so that he can proceed on your winning money

Me

I did

didn’t work

can you get email sent to me

?

will try that way

JC

Email xxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Message them on

email right now

?

Me

sent email

so excited

Why did you unsend your email?

Still waiting

JC sent a thumbs up emoji

I now have one less Facebook “friend”.

Pegasus (Part 45)

I gasped in exasperation. The odds were not good of us ever making our destination. Looking around at the rugged, hilly, rocky landscape I wondered how I found myself in this situation.

Tabitha reached out and placed her hand firmly on my arm. My heartbeat fell and I felt back in control.

I looked into her eyes.

“Will we do it?” I asked.

“We will babe.”

And that was that.

Over the next few days, the plans were finalized. The fate of perhaps hundreds of billions of people would rest on our shoulders.

The day we set out the whole base waved us off in their shabby clothes. Almost certainly more in hope than any real sense of confidence that we would succeed. There were no smiling faces. Just the strong aroma of the meat we had feasted on.

Over the rocky hills, we went following the same path from where we came. All the time keeping one eye on the sky and always fearful of what lay around the next corner. At least this time we were far better armed. We both had Grade A lasers. The best two weapons that the resistance had retrieved from a storage bunker just for us. A volley of shots would be enough to bring down any beast.

Still, they were only to be used as a last resort as it would reveal the presence of the Resistance in the world.

Wheelchair Wars Part 3 (12)

All of Timothy’s former confidence and exuberance returned in the coming days. Finally, he would be back on his homeworld and there was a glorious battle to look forward to. That part though increasingly worried him. Even as he drilled his loyal troops in the shuttle area, negative thoughts and those bordering on chaos kept entering his mind.

Would he be able to watch the obliteration of his world if commanded?

If the Emperor was truly all powerful surely he could snap his fingers and put the enemy out of existence?

He knew such thoughts were heresy. But still they came.

Instead he tried to think of the positives. Of seeing his father and Audrey again.

He patiently waited till the day came that he could set his wheels on Uisneach once more. And he knew that it had arrived when the summons to the bridge came.

He drove out onto the bridge in full military regalia with all his medals proudly strapped to his chest.

But then he stopped his wheelchair stunned, his mouth ajar at what he saw in front of him.

It was Uisneach and yet it wasn’t. He recognized the two megacities protruding from the planet but other things were so different. He had expected to see a barren, poisoned world but there were lush forests, grasslands and agricultural fields covering the planet with ostensibly human settlements dotted throughout. The sea was a deep blue hinting at abundant marine life.

Galway Girls Part 21

  • Hi Leslie, gr8 to see u last nite. Hopefully see you soon xx

I pondered for a second before I hit the send button. Was I sending it too quickly? Too eager? She seemed nice as well as hot. The kind of woman I could do with in my life. Damn it, just go for it. And I did.

Immediately, I felt flushed. The dreaded wait for a reply had begun.

Ronan appeared with the cups of coffee. Mine was a cappuccino. By now, I was feeling quite overwhelmed by the night before. I was feeling tired and hungover. Ronan looked like he felt much the same, his hair uncombed and his eyes red.

I looked out the window and watched the pedestrians walking up and down the narrow medievalesque street wondering if they had ever experienced a night as good as mine. First savoring the smell, I rook my first sup. Some of the chocolate rested on my tongue before dissipating away in my mouth.

“Will you be seeing her again?” Ronan asked.

“Hope so, I sent her a text there. Will see how it goes. Nothing back yet.”

“Ah, she might be sleeping or something. Give it time yet.”

“Plenty of fish in the sea,” I replied. I didn’t mean it. Leslie was special.

Pegasus Part 44

He was right. I didn’t like it. And neither did Tabitha. But damn it, it was the best one that I had heard. It was beautiful in its simplicity if somewhat lacking in details.

His name was Nebus. He was much older than the others. The arrows of time etched across his face.

Speaking excitedly, he continued, “You share his genetic makeup and even look like him.”

“So, what?” I thought he was going for a dig but I was wrong.

“You will be granted access to his city in the Adonis habitat, you see. You could bring Tabitha too. You could cut off the head of the snake when it least expected it.”

I felt a knot building in my stomach and replied, “It would never work.”

Then I heard Tabitha say softly.

“It just might. We can do it, babe.”

With that, I knew there would be no turning back. All I had to do was look into her eyes and see her steely determination. For the next few days, the plan of action was determined.

The Adonis habitat consisted of a giant multi-layered spherical structure. It lay on the outer rim of habitats outside the orbit of the Moon. To get there alive, we would have to hop from habitat to habitat to avoid detection.

Wheelchair Wars Part 3 (11)

Timothy felt a sharp jolt through every fiber of his body. Exhalation but with a mix of dread. Finally, he would make it back it his home planet, back to the Alpha. And bloodletting and women too. It had been far too long.

But the threat from the Tyranids is grave. Everybody and everything he had ever loved or known faced destruction. His homeworld faced losing all of its life and being transformed into a dead rock. No more hive cities and even its toxic atmosphere would be no more. But if it were to be the end, it would indeed be glorious. A battle to the end against the Empire’s ultimate adversary.

The Emperor’s Representative wretched croaky voice brought him back to the moment.

“We’ll reach Uisneach in just a few days. The Alpha has been notified of your arrival. The world’s population is being enlisted into the armed forces. You are to lead the planetary defense, for the glory of the Emperor.

You will face a large Tyranid force. Plans are already in place should it look like to planet may fall. The Empire must persist no matter the cost.”

Timothy suddenly found himself talking.

“Uisneach will not fall.”

Galway Girls Part 20

Once I had quenched my thirst and filled my stomach, thoughts turned to what we would do next. Sean said that he had to head back to work but that myself and Ronan should have a walk around the town.

“Yeah, that would be a good idea Paul,” Ronan interjected, “I’d like to wait another hour or two to make sure I’m under the limit.”

I nodded in agreement.

Sean headed off and we made our way through the bustling city. Galway is a mixture of the old and the new with the sound of music coming from the many buskers on the streets that are pedestrianized.

We pass over the mighty Corrib. It has a fast flow and I pause and admire its rapids. The sweet smell of the sea entered my nostrils.

But all the time my mind kept drifting back to the previous night. The thought of her on top of me, her soft breasts. Then Ronan snapped me back to reality pointing out we were close to where we’d been the previous night.

After a while, we stopped to have a coffee in one of the many coffee shops that dotted the place. They are mostly small and quaint, with smiling staff.

As Ronan went to the counter, I finally opened the note that had been left for me that morning –

Message me Leslie Xxx 087-65XXXXX

Now, what should my first message be?

Pegasus Part 43

It took days to get the carnage back under control. All the time I feared the return of the monster or one of his comrades. That fear was etched on the faces of everyone else too in the flickering of their eyes or the way they would shake uncontrollably staring into the night of the sky. An intricate warning system of lookouts had been created, but some had been found falling asleep.

At least the smell of rotting flesh had abated replaced by the smell of the local plant life. Tabitha was now sharing my tent. Each night, I would gaze into those beautiful dark eyes and kiss her goodnight. Our bodies pressed close.

At times, avid conversations would break out over what to do next. Then they would peter out. Or they did, until that faithful day.

We were all sitting by a campfire in a large circle. A man full of nervous excitement walked across to me and Tabitha.

“Would you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Cut off the serpent’s head when it least expected it?”

“What are you on about?” Tabitha asked, her eyes wide open.

“We have come up with a plan. But I’m not sure you are going to like it.”

Wheelchair Wars Part 3 (10)

The day that Timothy would never forget started just like the dozens of ones before. Opening his eyes, the care-bot was there by his bed awaiting any instructions. Timothy had planned to ignore it just like every other day. His compact room had long felt more like a prison cell.

But then it spoke –

“The General has instructed you to visit his quarters in two hours. This directive has been given the highest priority.”

The thought of seeing that mass murderer sickened him. But, it was the will of the Emperor and he would obey.

“Get me up,” he commanded.

The robot meticulously went through the required routine. It gave Timothy time to think but he could think of nothing for the General to want to see him

Two hours later he was entering the General’s lair in his battle chair.

The room stank of decay. The General was standing there waiting for him in the middle of the room. His face was almost skeletal and he was draped in black cloth.

He began to speak.

“Do not be shocked by my appearance. I have been away from the Emperors life force for too long.

I have seen the hatred in your eyes. But I did what needed to be done for the good of the Empire and Emperor. It has largely been successful. There is just one hive ship of menace left and it’s next target is Uisneach.”

Timothy feels what little muscle he has, has grown tense. He wants to open fire to save his home.

“But there will be no Terminatus of Uisneach. Wheelchair Wars has become known throughout the Galaxy. Therefore the planet must be defended and that is what I want you to do.”

The first piece of writing on public display

Hi readers, for the first time, one of my short stories has gone on public display. It can be viewed in the Atrium of the County Buildings in Mullingar.

It tell’s the story of my journey to an important birthday of a good friend in Lahinch.

For those who can’t make it, you can read below –