Tag: comedy

The Dirty Pants Dilemma (Comedy)

Something shocking happened recently. The auld people went on a foreign trip recently leaving me and two brothers behind. To maintain anonymity, we will call one of my brothers Mr. B and the other Mr. T. Suddenly, we had to do some “adulting”. Like we’re only in our thirties and okay, maybe fortyish.

“Children are not just for Christmas,” we said. “Why can’t we come?”

The only response was some funny looks and something about us being old now. Old!? Imagine that.

They didn’t even warn us not to have parties. It’s like they knew we’d have nobody to ask to come.

All seemed to be going okay till Mr. B realized he had run out of clean underpants. Then Mr. T washed his clothes only. Mr. B flummoxed by the washing machine wanted a written guarantee that Mr. T wouldn’t mess up his clothes. This was a step too far for Mr. T.

So, there was a stand-off and the wearing of some dirty pants.

Fortunately, they were only gone for a few days so we thought it best not to ring Childline and report them for child neglect.

Apparently, they had a great time. They weren’t worried about us at all. We didn’t have the heart to tell them about the dirty pants.

Cults – A new understanding! (Comedy)

When I grow up I want to be rich and famous. My Mum would state that a man in his forties is grown up, but I tell her that kind of thinking is so last century. That I am still the future. A blank canvas that still has to be painted on. The world is my oyster. Like, I’ll probably live to be two hundred or something. At this point, she rolls her eyes and tell me that yes, I am correct and not at all insane like my brother says.

But I digress, what would the ideal job be to achieve these aims? Some would say an astronaut or maybe a professional sports player. Not sure if I’d make a great soccer player though. But they would be wrong. You want to be a cult leader! Preferably one that you start yourself. Joining someone else’s cult is a truly terrible idea. Lots of mediation without the zen.

No, being the cult leader is where I want to be. That’s where the cash, sex and power is. The drawback of course is the hours of talking nonsense I’d have to do. Ah, I might just about manage it.

You are probably wondering by this stage where I got such great inspiration from. From Sky Documentaries of course! Honestly, the things I learn from just watching watching tv. It was a documentary about a cult called Nxivm. Like you, I thought who would put an “x” after an “n”, but then I noticed how it shows up internet searches. It has no competition. Very clever.

The documentary was supposed to be about what an evil cult it was, which was true I guess. But I thought it was a brilliant “how to brainwash people” tutorial. It’s all about breaking people down psychologically so that they can be easily influenced. Great stuff altogether. I was nearly in tears by the end of it. It did have a sad ending though – the cult leader went to jail. I reckon I could do better.

So, have I told you all about how great I am and how I can lead you to “enlightenment”, to be the best person you can be??

Ever wonder why you don’t get that job/girl/house?

Don’t worry you can trust me, like I have a website and everything. What could possibly go wrong?

My friend Herbert Part III

He had always been there, rarely moving more than 30 centimeters and that was just for food. Quite the lazy spider really, did feck all and that’s saying something coming from me. He must have been on the spider equivalent of being on the dole. In that one spot, right over my head. Till he wasn’t. I looked everywhere like up, down, left and right. But nope, he is gone. Just like that, no goodbyes or thanks for the memories.

It can only be work of the the evil (creative license) Mr. R (no breaches of GDPR on my website). My mother hasn’t been near the place. Perhaps, it was jealousy or just basic hygiene, but poor Herbert and his dirty web are gone. Oh how I cried, well there was one tear anyway although that could have been the bit of hair that got stuck in my eye.

We hadn’t really been getting along recently. As I’ve been saying he never put much effort into our friendship. It was like I was just more furniture to him. Hopefully the passing was fast, like with a hoover or something and not what my little brother used to do to spiders..

Revenge will be swift but what to do? Put salt in his tea, “accidentally” drive over his toes. I need plausible deniability. Well, at least I now have plenty of time on my own to contemplate. Hours and hours of just me in this little room, looking left, looking right.

Wait! What’s that I see? It’s too big and furry to be a spider.. I wonder what’s its name?

My new friend Herbert (comedy)

Well I guess just like everyone else during these times of covid, it’s very difficult to make new friends. The world has become a much smaller place. That’s why I think it should be celebrated when you do. Me and Herbert have so many things in common.

  • we more or less live in the same place, except he lives a little higher off the ground. He can easily see me at my workstation below him and I just have to look up to see him.
  • we both like our food albeit different types in fairness.
  • outside could be potentially hazardous for us both.

But, there are things that set us apart –

I have only two legs but he has eight.

I seem to be the more energetic one, which quite frankly doesn’t say much for him. He seems to sit for hours without moving. Quite impressive in my eyes.

What I really like about Herbert is that he’s always there to listen and never interrupts me. What more could I ask for?

Yes, I think we’ll be bff till one of my PAs hoovers him up.

Pandemic of Crime (comedy)

My dear readers, today I have to inform you about something very serious in these awful Covid-19 times.  There is a much greater pandemic that you need to fear – it is a pandemic of crime.  But not of drugs and illicit sex.

I think we can still all remember the good old days.  Remember, when all you had to worry about was getting high or maybe being robbed or knifed on your way to get some groceries.

But now the world is beset by a plague of social distancing crime.  All you have to do is look out your window to see the horror of people walking too close together or too far from their homes.  The worst is the little kiddies or what I like to call “germ grenades”.  Honestly, what way are they being raised to not know to come within two metres of anyone.

Things have gotten so bad I had to report my own parents yesterday.  They told me where they were going for their “walk” and when I did the calculation after they left, it was 2.05km away.  You can only imagine my shock.  Talk about setting their impressionable 40 year-old son a bad example.  Well being the good citizen that I am, I immediately rang the local Garda Station.

“You want to report your parents, really?”

“Yes Sir,” I replied with conviction, “and you should fine them.  They knew what they were doing.”

Things haven’t really been the same in the house since.  The parents keep saying that they don’t want me there anymore.  Eh, haven’t they learned anything?  That would just be another breach.  I told them not to worry,  I won’t leave them alone during the crisis.

That’s it for now readers.  Stay safe everyone.

Covid-19 Survival Guide #3 (Comedy)

Well hello, readers!  I’m still here.  Hey, I’m as surprised as anyone.  This crisis we’re going through is shockingly boring though.  I don’t know, I think I was expecting more excitement.  Like if there was a nuclear war we could go outside and see the fireworks.  Whereas this crisis is all about shutting yourself off from everything.  Quite frankly, I would have prepared to read about it in the history books.

No sport too – what a disaster.  At this stage, I’d be happy to watch two ants climbing a wall.  But just my luck, I can’t find any.  There is a spider but where’s the competition?  Life is so cruel.  Maybe what we need is a transfer market.  So people can buy/sell their spiders and form teams.  Then we could have a league.  Maybe it’s the delirium but I feel it could work.  To remember the olden times we could call it The Premiership.

So these days I’m working from home.  Probably just as well, my hair is a mess.  Honestly, next time I must get it cut before the world goes to hell.  I get to look into a computer screen all day but at least I can turn on some music and wear my pajamas (so comfy).  Guess things could be worse.

So, it looks like this evil coronavirus is going to long overstay its welcome.  Remember everyone, wash your hands and coronavirus, please go away!

 

 

Covid-19 Survival Guide #2 (comedy)

Well readers, I am sure your all just as happy as me to hear that I’m still alive and kicking, well alive anyway.

I am here hunkered down in front of my computer typing away.  Much like every other Saturday I guess, but now with a new found sense of doing my duty, even if I had feck all else to do anyway.  If only it was always so easy to serve my country.

This crisis is having many profound effects on my psychology though and it may prove disastrous for my writing.  Usually I thoroughly enjoy writing about misery and death, but recently it has not been the same.  It’s like my heart’s not in it anymore.  I’m even thinking about writing something happy instead, maybe even a romance novel or something.  Ew!  Maybe I have that infection already..

During these times of crisis I’m trying to keep my mind focused on the important things in life like house prices and what is happening to the ISEQ.  Of course, making sure Ihave adequate tvs and working broadband to see me through any potential quarantine is also vital.  So many things to worry about.

I am also worried about you my dear readers.  Hopefully none of yous kick the bucket.  That would be really bad for my site statistics.

Till next time.  Remember to wash your hands!

Coronvirus Covid 19 Survival Guide (comedy)

My dear readers, I know that you are looking for leadership at this time of crisis and I feel that I with no medical knowledge or experience whatsoever should offer some advice.  Afterall, if Trump is doing it, it must be grand.

Sure really it’s all a bit of common sense.

We all know that the best way to get better from something is to pass it on.  This should be really easy in the open plan offices we have these days (don’t worry, I’m sorted).  So god forbid you become infected, make sure to have a good cough here, there and everywhere.  I’m sure you’ll get lucky.  If there’s people you don’t like now would be time to spend some time with them.

Very important – remember the three second rule.  Otherwise, I guess you really should think about washing things.

Don’t drink water.  Only drink “living” water from fruit.  Eh, you want to die being fashionable, don’t you?  And everyone know germs need water to survive.

Make sure you have Netflix.  Sometimes the apocalypse can be a tad slow and boring.  You may have to spend a lot of time indoors.

Watch the Walking Dead and remember things could always be worse.  Mmm scratch that one.  It could teach you useful survival tips though.

Don’t plan for the future.  There’s simply no point.  No more studying or saving for trips that are now impossible.

Don’t panic.  Only joking, of course you should!  We’re all going to die.

(The writer accepts no responsibility for this article.)

Writing (comedy)

Hello readers, I’m back again.  They didn’t tell me in Specsavers that I’d ever see 2020 but here it is.  It’s been quite a long hiatus but at least I did something somewhat productive in our time apart.  I have finished my latest novel!  Okay, so I’m getting it reviewed, I might have to rewrite large parts yet but hopefully not lol  So it’s going to be called “The Irish Ripper” and no, its not about flatulance, but rather the hunt for a serial killer that’s terrorizing Ireland.  As you can imagine, it will be for adult readers only or kids with money.  I’d never send kids with money away, that would be censorship and that is something I’m totally against, unless it’s something bad about myself naturally.

I have been watching lots of youtube videos about how to improve your writing.  Don’t use adverbs, character arcs, how to write an opening chapter etc.  They are very good, if only youtube was around for the Leaving Cert, I’d have got all As.  Okay so I might be exaggerating but I surely would have bested that D1 in ordinary level Irish.  Not sure if people will bother with school in the future, it’s become obsolete with the all knowing Google and youtube.  You don’t even have to get up early.  It’s almost too easy.  Although they do expect you to work very hard, maybe that’s because they’re American and take everything so serious.

Being reading “Pride and Prejudice” for what seems like forever.  There are three volumes and I’ve only gotten through the first one.  I almost want those sisters married off quickly as much as their mother!

So Christmas has once more come and gone.  Ah well, at least the summer will be shortly here.  Always prefer that time of year anyway and who knows, maybe I’ll be a millionnaire by then, fingers crossed.

Till next time..

Skyfall (comedy)

Every now and then I decide to do something totally crazy, but this time I might have totally lost the plot.  I decided to cancel my Sky subscription, afterall I could still watch Netflix, have some of the free channels and the RTE player.  Sure, I’ll hardly notice I thought to myself.

That first night I was quite proud of myself thinking of all the suckers paying for their sky; I was now just better than the average person.  Admittedly I was somewhat surprised by how few stations I now had, but I was brave even if there was now no Rte.

Night 2 – A slight flaw in my cunning plans.  My “smart” tv, which in my mind is new is actually a few years old and is now incompatible with the internet, apart from netflix.  Even RTE is dodgey.

Night 5 – This might even be worse than when I tried to give up alcohol for a month.  That didn’t end well..  There are not even enough channels to mindlessly flick through. Aaaargh!

Week 2 – Oh how great it would be to see people being ripped apart on The Walking Dead once more, an interesting documentary on anything except food or even just hear the chimes before six one.  All those small pleasures have now been whittled away.

Week 3 – My “precious”.  Must get my “precious” back.

Week 4 – Note to oneself – Never attempt abstinence of anything again.  It’s just not me.  Now me and My Sky are back together for ever and ever.

I believe in better.