Tag: germ

Pandemic of Crime (comedy)

My dear readers, today I have to inform you about something very serious in these awful Covid-19 times.  There is a much greater pandemic that you need to fear – it is a pandemic of crime.  But not of drugs and illicit sex.

I think we can still all remember the good old days.  Remember, when all you had to worry about was getting high or maybe being robbed or knifed on your way to get some groceries.

But now the world is beset by a plague of social distancing crime.  All you have to do is look out your window to see the horror of people walking too close together or too far from their homes.  The worst is the little kiddies or what I like to call “germ grenades”.  Honestly, what way are they being raised to not know to come within two metres of anyone.

Things have gotten so bad I had to report my own parents yesterday.  They told me where they were going for their “walk” and when I did the calculation after they left, it was 2.05km away.  You can only imagine my shock.  Talk about setting their impressionable 40 year-old son a bad example.  Well being the good citizen that I am, I immediately rang the local Garda Station.

“You want to report your parents, really?”

“Yes Sir,” I replied with conviction, “and you should fine them.  They knew what they were doing.”

Things haven’t really been the same in the house since.  The parents keep saying that they don’t want me there anymore.  Eh, haven’t they learned anything?  That would just be another breach.  I told them not to worry,  I won’t leave them alone during the crisis.

That’s it for now readers.  Stay safe everyone.

Coronvirus Covid 19 Survival Guide (comedy)

My dear readers, I know that you are looking for leadership at this time of crisis and I feel that I with no medical knowledge or experience whatsoever should offer some advice.  Afterall, if Trump is doing it, it must be grand.

Sure really it’s all a bit of common sense.

We all know that the best way to get better from something is to pass it on.  This should be really easy in the open plan offices we have these days (don’t worry, I’m sorted).  So god forbid you become infected, make sure to have a good cough here, there and everywhere.  I’m sure you’ll get lucky.  If there’s people you don’t like now would be time to spend some time with them.

Very important – remember the three second rule.  Otherwise, I guess you really should think about washing things.

Don’t drink water.  Only drink “living” water from fruit.  Eh, you want to die being fashionable, don’t you?  And everyone know germs need water to survive.

Make sure you have Netflix.  Sometimes the apocalypse can be a tad slow and boring.  You may have to spend a lot of time indoors.

Watch the Walking Dead and remember things could always be worse.  Mmm scratch that one.  It could teach you useful survival tips though.

Don’t plan for the future.  There’s simply no point.  No more studying or saving for trips that are now impossible.

Don’t panic.  Only joking, of course you should!  We’re all going to die.

(The writer accepts no responsibility for this article.)