My friend Herbert Part II

I’m not quite sure me and Herbert the spider are still the best of buddies. Just a sense I’m getting. It was all going so well – working from home, chatting to Herbert. Me telling him all my problems, him listening to me hopefully. That’s if he can hear at all.

But lately, he’s being getting on my nerves. Like all he does is just sit there, never moving – just hoping some fly will come along out of nowhere. I left all the windows and doors open for ages but to no avail. It would want to be a fairly thick or suicidal fly to be honest. I did see him eating something once, but it didn’t look the best and that’s saying something. I’ve been telling him his web really isn’t in the best of spots and could he not put some effort in and move to a better location with more potential. Using all the key buzzwords that we use nowadays but nada, nothing. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like bees.

I tell Herbert that David Attenborough would not be impressed. That if we made a documentary about him and his exploits nobody would care if spiders were going extinct. Maybe I’m too harsh. I’m thinking he might be gone into hibernation or maybe he’s dead. Maybe he thinks the same about me. Why is this silly human stuck in this little room doing fuck all? Why does he just sit there? He wouldn’t understand about the internet and stuff and how I’m actually very busy and living this great life.

In any event, his little area is now in a special area of conservative of sorts. I told him he will be fine and live to a ripe old age, unless my mother calls. Then only God can save him. Even in this modern age of gay marriage, changing sex etc, I don’t think there is a place in her heart for the friendship between a man and a spider. All she will see is a dirty web. I told him not worry, his progeny will always return.